Sustenance

As a child, shame accompanied stuffing my face, until stuffing my face suffocated the shame

I never ate because I was hungry. always unsure of what it felt like to “feel hungry”

Eating was always the solution

His hits hurt, his words stung, his unsurprising cruelty grew… so I ate

When stuffing the feelings with sweets and treats, he used to expand his cheeks to threaten me with my inevitable expansion if I continued

Eating has always been perfunctory, for no rhyme or reason, but to fill a void

hand to mouth

Chocolate, sugar, and salt-filled foods were always there to drown my sorrows

There was always a “he” to take the place of the first, to replicate the shaddow I would always run from and into, no matter how it morphs

When He didn’t come home or call, nothing said “I’m Sorry” to myself like eating a package of cookies

consuming until I was nauseous, consuming feelings through the shapes of foods until they dissipated

Red wine or Hennessy washed down the regrets and pain of self-indulgance

Food is self-flagellation for not being the person that I am capable of

Piling it in to no longer to feel, never tasting what it is I’m consuming

Hand to mouth

Eating while watching individuals act out the lives that I aspire to, so that I don’t have to

So that I don’t have to think about how I’m failing

How I’m not running, or reading

Consuming my own self-fullfilling profacy so that criticisms no longer sting, so that I have excuses of why I can’t

When people dissapoint, what most call “sustanence” will always be there as filler, but it will never sustain me, the hole is too deep

It’s the best friend I never had, that will always be there

It is always easier to add than it is to remove, but here we are…

I can call this nourishment, and allow it to consume me

Hand to mouth

But, faith is mytrue sustanence, food just the oil for the wheels of the machine

It is always easier to add than it is to remove, but here we are…

HE is the best friend I never had, that will always be there

Knees to Prayer

Energy

I don’t have the energy to finish my thesis, but I have the energy to blog. Blogging has saved my life, quite literally in some contexts. I guess that is a common bloggers’ story. I have lost a lot of people in my life, none of whom I’ve forgotten, and blogging is one of the ways that I can be remembered when I am gone; it is also my outlet for remembering those I’ve lost.

I don’t want to be the person that people were never able to get close to. I DON’T want to be forgotten, at least not easily forgotten or worse…mocked. I want to mean as much to others as I have allowed people to mean to me (not a lot of people, but enough for now). I want to mean something to someone, really mean something. So often, I feel as though I don’t have the energy to put into work, or people, relationships, or all of the above. I am tired. I am 25, and I am tired. People leave. People hurt. People lie….then…. they eventually die or are taken from us. I know that this is a very cynical way of looking at life, it’s not that I haven’t tried, it is that I am losing the energy needed for optimism. But, as I remember a dear friend of mine today, I will embody her faith, spirit, and ultimate optimism. She deserves at least that much.

-A toast to having enough energy to be optimistic- 

A Letter to The Greatest Woman I’ve Ever Known

It has been a long time sense I’ve spoken to you, about six years now. I need your advice and guidance now more than ever. You’ve always known the right thing to say at the right time. You gave me space when I needed it and didn’t or couldn’t ask for it. You loved me unconditionally even when I didn’t deserve it. You hugged me to keep me together when I was falling a part. You taught me life lessons when I thought we were playing games.  I am more like you then you’ll ever know, or could have imagined. You, however, had all the answers to questions I didn’t even know how to ask. I wish I had your faith and strength on days like this. I miss you now more than ever, and thought you should know. I hope your spirit finds me now that I need you most.