My Role Model

She has always had my back through thick or thin

She’d cuddle so I wasn’t scared, cried when her mother didn’t care

Taught me about the birds and the bees

Made brownies and lemonade so we could earn money

Nature versus nurture is the neverending debate

She wasn’t well nurtured, but nature was kind

In spite of nature, she became the ones who raised her

Her sweetness only surfaces when shes like you

or if she needs you

You’re always disposable, but never replaceable

She screams, but never listens, and powers through her self-inflicted migraines

She belittles others, out of her own insecurities

She’d beat someone up to try to protect me

She was always the pretty one, me the nice one

She has beauty and brains, leaving me with ambition and heart

Never knowing when to let something go, or when to let others start

feeling every feeling when feeling wronged, with no accountability

Always at a ten, never knowing how to descend

She guilt trips to get a rise, to feel loved

Always with a need to be worshipped, anything less is not enough

She’s everything I hoped to grow into, and now she’s everything I hope to leave

She’ll forever be my role model, but now she has two sides

one that I’ll always appreciate and one that is always behind

I was always her test dummy, but now I’m passing and she’s not catching on

Always questioning if our relationship is destined to evolve

Let’s Get Physical-inspired by a writing prompt

Let’s get physical

Physical like a kiss with a fist instead of with a bump and a grind

Physical like I wish you would, or say it one more time

The heat is gone and I have fighting on my mind

Like I want to punch you where it hurts, where I can’t take it back

Like I want you to feel the pain you’ve caused my heart, throughout your body on a repeated track

I’m sick of all your slack

and your “don’t give a f**k’s”

I don’t want to get physical like Olivia, I want to get physical like Rocky

You’re falling off your pedestal, no need to be cocky

Falling down like humpty

waiting for your great fall, but nobody’s going to put YOU together again

you ruined it all

Still in the Fire

Thinking I’m recovered, that I made it through the fire

but I’m lying to myself and to others

I’m still under the wire

I can sit here and blame the history of my mother

but truth be told I hate to fail

Lying to myself is easier

I’ll do anything to exhale

even if for leisure

I’m paralyzed by stability

Without the ability to move, I’m destined to repeat the same actions, expecting different results

Always desperate for some humilty, my ego is my liability

Wishing to be the diamond from my ashes sooner than later

Not really sure if I’m ready to meet my creator

Thinking I’m recovered, that I made it through the fire

But when looking in the mirror, I see that I’m still a liar

Thinking I’m blending in with the crowd, but I’m really just lost and alone

Feeling as though I’m bleeding out, with nowhere to go, nowhere to take cover

I want to be happy, but I’m still grieving with my glass half empty, praying for its refill

adding to the landfill

Sitting in the dark, wishing for the light, wanting to be whole and healed

Trying to go through it to get through it, following the path out of this darkeness to the otherside

The other side with the light

The heat is subsiding, but I’m not yet content, my emotions are still burning

Always ready for the kerosene, never the rainfall

Always the yearning, yearning for more and for what could be

Never willing to concede on one knee

Never desiring the fire’s full decimation

For if it burns out, I burn out, no longer eternal

Fearful of my presumed condemnation

Always prepared to speak my rehearsed fearwell

Two Steps Forward, Ten Steps Back

Everytime I believe that I am in a good space, or moving forward, closer to my future, I feel the need to switch it up

Switch it up to shake the boring, to no longer feel stagnant

I have an inner need to jeopardize something, anything

Never sitting or standing still

Afraid to do nothing

This need to feel alive

This fear that if I stay still too long, I’ll die

Literally die

as if feeling boredom is an explosive, taking out any bystanders

Working three jobs, and having at least six hobbies is my baseline

Anything less slows me down like quick sand

I have to keep running, never sure what would happen if I stop

Will the darkness catch me and keep me hostage, preventing me from fulfilling my unknown potential?

Or will some form of karma catch up to me, taking away my life right before all my dreams come true?

Terrified to find out, dreading the day that my energy wares out, and I’m lost in “the waiting place” not really knowing if I’m alive or just stuck

With no one to pull me out, and nothing more to do

Because they’re all ahead of me, moving forward, never looking to see who they left behind