Gratitude List for Today:

I’m feeling ungrateful today so here is my gratitude list to reframe my state of mind today:

1. I have a full-time job with benefits-I have health insurance

2. I have my dream job

3. I am paying people back (whom I owe)

4. I am paying my bills off

5.i am fortunate to be able to work three jobs to pay these debts off

6. I have great roommates

7. I can afford my apartment

9. I can afford my car

10. I am building my credit back up

11. I am not in any danger or unsafe situations

12. I am not in any unhealthy relationships

13. I am choosing to love myself today

-I will have a great day-

 

 

 

 

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Broken (spoken word)

I am angry at our good memories, mad that we couldn’t make more, mad that you tainted them all-past present and future
I’m angry that you chose her
Bitter that others refer to her as your girlfriend
Mad that I have yet to find your permanent replacement
I hate that I instantly look for your face in crowds no matter the town
Angry that we didn’t…couldn’t work out
I wish that we were meant for one another
I wish that I can honestly say that if we had a redo button, I would turn away before we had the chance to make eye contact, before you said hello, before you made promises that you would never Intend to intend to keep
Before I had hope in US
Before I thought that you were my happily ever after and more
I wish that there wasn’t a soundtrack playing in my head for every interaction that we ever had-6 years of a score of a movie that ended abruptly and based on lies and manipulation-based on everything that “we” stood against-something “we” would never become
Everything fell apart the way it does without a solid foundation
I wish that it could be different, but I know better
I will keep “sincerely” wishing you the best until it is actually sincere
Maybe when your memory fades
When the guilt and anger subside, when I can no longer remember all the damage, or as much of the “good.”
When I no longer picture the two of you in our old settings- our bed, our living room, our kitchen, our pool hall…
When I can forgive you
When I can understand your hurt and loss when we pushed one another away
When I can forgive you
When I can forgive myself
When I can forgive us-for not being in love

Because I Know Better Now

Dear “Mello,”

I don’t know exactly where to begin. I have been doing a lot of thinking about us. Surprisingly enough, I have been doing less thinking on what went wrong, and more on my role in what went wrong with us. I accept that we are NOT meant to be. I accept that we had no real foundation to be together in the first place. Whether or not you know and/or will ever accept any of this, but most of the things that I did that were wrong, were done to protect myself. So much of what you said over the last year was true: I was immature and codependent in regards to you, I wanted what I wanted from you and would act like a child when I didn’t get it. I knew I could do better (and that you could too), and that we weren’t meant to be, but I wasn’t able to accept it then. All that I knew then was that I wanted you, under any circumstances. I should have walked away when I knew I was no longer happy with you. I should have walked away instead of snooping through your stuff (that was wrong, and if I could take it back now, I would). I should have walked away instead of cutting myself, drinking, smoking, fucking other people, etc. When your controlling and manipulative behavior and mind games were apparent to me, it should have been enough to leave and accept that you either aren’t the person that I thought you were, or that you never were.

When I realized how much you were lying, I should have stopped trusting you, instead of hoping that you loved me enough not to hurt me still. We know each other far too well, and yet in many other ways, not at all.

You kept asking me what I knew in regards to being sure that you were lying. I knew that you were lying about being transferred. I knew that you were lying about cheating. I knew that you were lying about leaving the apartment in general after mid January. I knew that you tried to get a one bedroom apartment with J, but due to your rental history, you couldn’t. I know that when you asked to stay an “extra month,” you planned on moving her in when I left. I know that you lived with KA in Mass, when you claimed the two of you didn’t speak. I don’t know where the lies started and the truth began, and I never will. The fact that so much of what you said was bullshit, is enough to know that you can do better than me and vice versa.

I truly do want you to find happiness, and I really do hope that you can someday see where it is that I am coming from. But more than that, I hope that you find someone that you do want to be with, truly be with minus lies, manipulation, and mind games. I hope that whoever she is enjoys and appreciates your humor, intellect, and heart as much as I did. I believe that you are a good person at your core, I hope that you find that person again, if he wasn’t an illusion of mine.

I know that apologies don’t find you well, and that for us they have become insignificant, redundant, and annoying, but I do apologize for how I treated you. I am better and smarter than that. This will be the last time you hear an apology from me, but it is a sincere one.I am sorry that I lied to you, cheated (in my opinion), stole, and snooped. I am sorry that I donated some of your and J’s things. I am sorry for ruining some of your things. I am sorry for taking your t-shirt for my own nostalgia. I am sorry for pushing you to be someone that you couldn’t be. I am sorry for any manipulation that i used on you to get my way. I am sorry for being selfish far too often. I am sorry for not communicating with you about how trapped you were making me feel to feel how YOU felt about things. I wish that I chose to walk away with more dignity than I did.I know now how not to need to be needed, or need people to love or treat me the way that I love and treat them. I now know how to do things because I genuinely want to and not out of guilt or fear that a relationship will end if I don’t. I am sorry that I reacted in those ways with you. I wish that I knew then how to walk away and accept you for who you were showing me that you are. I wish that I could of accepted you then, but I didn’t know how. I know now; therefore, I hope that this version of my walking away from you permanently does our past justice.

So, I apologize for the things that I did. I apologize not for you, but for me, because I know better now. I hope that you can forgive me and yourself (given that you realize your wrong doings) like I have. Also, I hope that  you choose to remember the good like I do. Lastly, I hope that this letter finds you well, and that it gives you as much closure as it gives me.

I wish you the best always.

Sincerely with love,

 

Monica

 

She’s Gone, But She Used to Be Mine

The world wind of this break-up has really proven to take its share of casualties: my heart, my strength, but most of all it has caused me to be more emotional than I knew that I was capable of. Prime advice that I received recently was that “you have to go through it to get through it.” I am not always patient, especially in regards to healing. In fight or flight responses, I am all flight in this regard. I tend to rush the healing process of any type of loss, and it always prolongs the inevitable grieving.

So throughout this six year tumultuous relationship and through all of our fallouts, I had never “gone through” the entire healing process, and here we are…or should I say here we are not. This relationship has officially ran its course, there is no more hope for our happily ever after, nor a future based on “the perfect timing.” This time, it ends. I heal….and I move on. I pick up the pieces of myself that I’ve allowed to break off and I rebuild myself. I build the person I am into the person I want to be, including many parts of the person I was, but whom I have lost.

I Don’t Think That it is a Big Deal…

If I don’t think that it is a big deal, then why am I scared for my physical well-being in regards to going to D’s house tomorrow? Is it that I like playing with fire? or is it that I want the physical challenge? Part of me isn’t afraid to get killed…to diephysical-abuse-concept-pink-background-33009755. Part of me feels like I deserve it. The other side of me is SCREAMING for help. I know that I am the only one that can save myself, because honestly, I am seconds away from dying by own hands in one way or another. R is NOT in love with me, nor will he ever be, and that hurts so badly that part of me needs the physical pain that D supplies in order to physically confirm the emotional pain that is consuming me right now.

 

 

Nothing to Lose

When you told me that you weren’t in love with me, I had nothing to lose, and everything to cling to. Even now, knowing everything I know/found out, I don’t want to lose you. I am well aware of my self-worth, but I also know how much I love you. I want you in my life so badly, I become a martyr of self. We both deserve better, but I want you. I am so deeply and undeniably in love with you, that I am willing to be THAT crazy chick, just to hold onto pieces of you.  The “Someday” in which I will get over you is coming sooner rather than later, because I have become an unhealthy version of myself since I have nothing to lose. I am starting to slip into old habits, and will eventually slip away completely if I don’t choose to pull it together and actually have SOMETHING…not “something,” SOMEONE to lose. I AM someone to lose, and I will be lost if I don’t start acting like I am worth saving myself.

Now the question is: Can I make that choice to save myself, or am I finally over all of it, with nothing to lose?

When I Don’t Get What I Want From You

I have been wanting you for so long, wanting us, always thinking that it would work itself out at its own time when the universe permitted. What I didn’t realize is that when it did, and IT DID; I didn’t realize that I would jump down the rabbit hole, and eat the forbidden fruit that women notoriously eat. I don’t know why I did, I hadn’t seen it coming, and it most certainly was NOT planned. I now have what I have wanted since I met you, we are together, we live together, you chose me, you moved across the country to be with me, and yet I find myself knitpicking, always wanting you to do things that in the grand scheme of things I don’t want you to give in to, acting childish, and a plethora of other stereotypical female traits that I of all people always scorned other women for doing. Although I have never snooped, I have cheated, lied, not respected your things, and generally forgot to keep loving ALLof the things that make you , you. I am ashamed and feel stupid for acting in these ways when I don’t get what I want from you in the moment that I want it. You, like anyone else, have your challenges; and you certainly do not make it easy to love you, but it is easy to love you. I love you. I am in love with you. I love all of the things that you do that piss me off, I love your brain, your heart, your kindness, and your unique love and appreciation for me.

I am 27, and there is no reason for me to act like a 7 year old when I don’t get my way from you. I will use this letter that I will never give to you, to confess and reflect on my actions, regrets, flaws, and to move forward from this moment on. I have to let go of things that I cannot, and should not change. I cannot always get my way, and in reality, I wouldn’t really want to, especially with you.

I think that I look for things to be upset about, in your regard, because for so long we had a tumultuous relationship, and without those ups and downs, I don’t know what to do or to expect; which is highly ironic considering all I ever hoped for is a relationship with you, period, already knowing how good we can be together.

Blogging Anniversary

Today I was compelled to blog. For the past two years, I  always feel it is necessary to blog on March 3rd without even realizing it, until WordPress congratulates me on my “Blogging Anniversary.” For a lot of people this may not have any significance. For me, indicates that I am mentally healthy. It means that I am not cutting, not drinking, smoking (weed, or cigarettes), sleeping (all day), or doing anything else that is my MO: self-destruction. If I am blogging, I am dealing with the almost anniversary of my friend’s death in a constructive way. This Thursday marks three years; three years since I saw her alive.

The usual guilt has sunk in, the sadness has been slowly seeping its way back into my pores; I can feel all of the revisiting emotions of her death. I miss her. I miss her little girl, who I have not seen in over a year.

I want to cut. I want to drink. I want to get high. I want to be numb. The problem: I never know when I am going to succeed in my self-destruction. I can’t take that chance. Instead, I will live because she cannot. I will live because she fought so hard to stay alive. I will run; I will blog; I will sit on a beach, and collect all of the perfect shells that she would be admiring if she were here. I will live because she cannot.

To really feel okay

I am at a point in my life where I should feel happy, safe, satisfied…”okay.” Most days, I think I do feel this way…But then a day/week like this hits me, and I feel everything but “okay.” I miss my old friend that passed away almost three years ago, and my current best friend who lives on the other side of the country. My life isn’t all that bad. On good days I’m happy, but on days like today, I’m not okay. I don’t know how to be okay. “okay” feels so far away from now.
On top all of this, I’m being cold towards my best friend for no other real reasons than, I miss her and I want her here, neither of which either of us can change right now. I can’t shake these emotions or feelings, but I just want to be normal, I want to be and feel “okay.” I want to be able to put this stuff aside and/or communicate this shit to people. But when I try, something deep down, prevents it. I shut down, and the cold version of myself turns on. Game over. I don’t see “okay” in the near future, but then again, I never do. Eventually, the switch will turn off, and I will go back to “normal,” whatever that is. I just hope that people like her are patient and understanding enough to wait out the freeze. Maybe I’ll be okay soon, one can only hope, because not being okay, hurts like a motherfucker.