As a child, shame accompanied stuffing my face, until stuffing my face suffocated the shame
I never ate because I was hungry. always unsure of what it felt like to “feel hungry”
Eating was always the solution
His hits hurt, his words stung, his unsurprising cruelty grew… so I ate
When stuffing the feelings with sweets and treats, he used to expand his cheeks to threaten me with my inevitable expansion if I continued
Eating has always been perfunctory, for no rhyme or reason, but to fill a void
hand to mouth
Chocolate, sugar, and salt-filled foods were always there to drown my sorrows
There was always a “he” to take the place of the first, to replicate the shaddow I would always run from and into, no matter how it morphs
When He didn’t come home or call, nothing said “I’m Sorry” to myself like eating a package of cookies
consuming until I was nauseous, consuming feelings through the shapes of foods until they dissipated
Red wine or Hennessy washed down the regrets and pain of self-indulgance
Food is self-flagellation for not being the person that I am capable of
Piling it in to no longer to feel, never tasting what it is I’m consuming
Hand to mouth
Eating while watching individuals act out the lives that I aspire to, so that I don’t have to
So that I don’t have to think about how I’m failing
How I’m not running, or reading
Consuming my own self-fullfilling profacy so that criticisms no longer sting, so that I have excuses of why I can’t
When people dissapoint, what most call “sustanence” will always be there as filler, but it will never sustain me, the hole is too deep
It’s the best friend I never had, that will always be there
It is always easier to add than it is to remove, but here we are…
I can call this nourishment, and allow it to consume me
Hand to mouth
But, faith is mytrue sustanence, food just the oil for the wheels of the machine
It is always easier to add than it is to remove, but here we are…
HE is the best friend I never had, that will always be there
Knees to Prayer
persistantlyhopeful 