Because I Know Better Now

Dear “Mello,”

I don’t know exactly where to begin. I have been doing a lot of thinking about us. Surprisingly enough, I have been doing less thinking on what went wrong, and more on my role in what went wrong with us. I accept that we are NOT meant to be. I accept that we had no real foundation to be together in the first place. Whether or not you know and/or will ever accept any of this, but most of the things that I did that were wrong, were done to protect myself. So much of what you said over the last year was true: I was immature and codependent in regards to you, I wanted what I wanted from you and would act like a child when I didn’t get it. I knew I could do better (and that you could too), and that we weren’t meant to be, but I wasn’t able to accept it then. All that I knew then was that I wanted you, under any circumstances. I should have walked away when I knew I was no longer happy with you. I should have walked away instead of snooping through your stuff (that was wrong, and if I could take it back now, I would). I should have walked away instead of cutting myself, drinking, smoking, fucking other people, etc. When your controlling and manipulative behavior and mind games were apparent to me, it should have been enough to leave and accept that you either aren’t the person that I thought you were, or that you never were.

When I realized how much you were lying, I should have stopped trusting you, instead of hoping that you loved me enough not to hurt me still. We know each other far too well, and yet in many other ways, not at all.

You kept asking me what I knew in regards to being sure that you were lying. I knew that you were lying about being transferred. I knew that you were lying about cheating. I knew that you were lying about leaving the apartment in general after mid January. I knew that you tried to get a one bedroom apartment with J, but due to your rental history, you couldn’t. I know that when you asked to stay an “extra month,” you planned on moving her in when I left. I know that you lived with KA in Mass, when you claimed the two of you didn’t speak. I don’t know where the lies started and the truth began, and I never will. The fact that so much of what you said was bullshit, is enough to know that you can do better than me and vice versa.

I truly do want you to find happiness, and I really do hope that you can someday see where it is that I am coming from. But more than that, I hope that you find someone that you do want to be with, truly be with minus lies, manipulation, and mind games. I hope that whoever she is enjoys and appreciates your humor, intellect, and heart as much as I did. I believe that you are a good person at your core, I hope that you find that person again, if he wasn’t an illusion of mine.

I know that apologies don’t find you well, and that for us they have become insignificant, redundant, and annoying, but I do apologize for how I treated you. I am better and smarter than that. This will be the last time you hear an apology from me, but it is a sincere one.I am sorry that I lied to you, cheated (in my opinion), stole, and snooped. I am sorry that I donated some of your and J’s things. I am sorry for ruining some of your things. I am sorry for taking your t-shirt for my own nostalgia. I am sorry for pushing you to be someone that you couldn’t be. I am sorry for any manipulation that i used on you to get my way. I am sorry for being selfish far too often. I am sorry for not communicating with you about how trapped you were making me feel to feel how YOU felt about things. I wish that I chose to walk away with more dignity than I did.I know now how not to need to be needed, or need people to love or treat me the way that I love and treat them. I now know how to do things because I genuinely want to and not out of guilt or fear that a relationship will end if I don’t. I am sorry that I reacted in those ways with you. I wish that I knew then how to walk away and accept you for who you were showing me that you are. I wish that I could of accepted you then, but I didn’t know how. I know now; therefore, I hope that this version of my walking away from you permanently does our past justice.

So, I apologize for the things that I did. I apologize not for you, but for me, because I know better now. I hope that you can forgive me and yourself (given that you realize your wrong doings) like I have. Also, I hope that  you choose to remember the good like I do. Lastly, I hope that this letter finds you well, and that it gives you as much closure as it gives me.

I wish you the best always.

Sincerely with love,

 

Monica

 

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