If I don’t think that it is a big deal, then why am I scared for my physical well-being in regards to going to D’s house tomorrow? Is it that I like playing with fire? or is it that I want the physical challenge? Part of me isn’t afraid to get killed…to die. Part of me feels like I deserve it. The other side of me is SCREAMING for help. I know that I am the only one that can save myself, because honestly, I am seconds away from dying by own hands in one way or another. R is NOT in love with me, nor will he ever be, and that hurts so badly that part of me needs the physical pain that D supplies in order to physically confirm the emotional pain that is consuming me right now.