To really feel okay

I am at a point in my life where I should feel happy, safe, satisfied…”okay.” Most days, I think I do feel this way…But then a day/week like this hits me, and I feel everything but “okay.” I miss my old friend that passed away almost three years ago, and my current best friend who lives on the other side of the country. My life isn’t all that bad. On good days I’m happy, but on days like today, I’m not okay. I don’t know how to be okay. “okay” feels so far away from now.
On top all of this, I’m being cold towards my best friend for no other real reasons than, I miss her and I want her here, neither of which either of us can change right now. I can’t shake these emotions or feelings, but I just want to be normal, I want to be and feel “okay.” I want to be able to put this stuff aside and/or communicate this shit to people. But when I try, something deep down, prevents it. I shut down, and the cold version of myself turns on. Game over. I don’t see “okay” in the near future, but then again, I never do. Eventually, the switch will turn off, and I will go back to “normal,” whatever that is. I just hope that people like her are patient and understanding enough to wait out the freeze. Maybe I’ll be okay soon, one can only hope, because not being okay, hurts like a motherfucker.


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