I just called and left a voice mail for an old estranged friend (we’ll call her D) a couple days ago. We have not spoken to each other in 3-4 years. I called her because I found out through the beautiful social network of Facebook, that her sister was in a coma and had some sudden yet serious medical issues (the sister is in her early 20’s). I stopped speaking to D because I was sick of her bullshit, her constant using me as her own personal verbal punching bag for about ten years. I was DONE. About four years ago, she committed her last figurative backstabbing. Today, she returned my call. I called about her sister, she called me back to “catch-up.” This catch-up quickly turned into another one of her verbal beatings.
She is the one who taught me how to stand up for myself. When I was twelve, I was for lack of better words, a wuss, a pushover if you will. She taught me how to verbally defend myself. And I must say, she did a great job at that. The only thing that she conveniently forgot to teach me was how to stand up to HER. As the verbal beating began today, and as she brought up the past, I defended myself against her false accusations, but I DID NOT stand up for myself. I immediately turned into that 12 year old self-conscious, scared, and lonely little girl I once was. For some reason, even at 26 years old, she has this power of silencing me. SHE back-stabbed ME, SHE was never really there for ME, SHE was spiteful and cruel to ME, and I said NOTHING! Naturally, I am mad at myself. Have I learned nothing in the past 5 years? I am a smart, independent woman, she is a pizza cook with a h.s. diploma and a shitty relationship with her daughter’s father (not knocking the career, or motherhood). And I said NOTHING! She insaulted me, and I took it, just like the punching bag she trained me to be in regards to her. I know that I am bigger and better than her, than this conversation…but the words. The words never seem to stop stinging. Not just her words from today, but her words from 10 years ago, 4 years ago, AND today. I am contemplating getting some form of closure by contacting her tomorrow to tell her how I feel and how I’ve felt for so long, but the amazing people in my life suggest that that would be a bad idea and may cause more harm than good. But can I really actually let this go without that closure? Can I release the power that I’ve given her? Would it help, or hurt more? She doesn’t have a clue about how she has made me feel for so long.. I wish that I could say this wouldn’t eat at me all night, but I tend to be a really good punching bag for her.