Two years ago today marks the last time we hugged, the last time we spoke, our last exchanges. I feel awful that I am able to move on, and you are not physically able to. I still feel the guilt like a knife in my back every once in a while, but not like I used to. It was easier when I felt the guilt. I am good at being blamed, I know what to do with that. The guilt was my proof that you were still present in my life, it prolonged the goodbye. The guilt made me feel like you were alive. And then it hits me every so often that YOU never blamed me, and that you can’t come along for the ride but in spirit. I forget some of our memories sometimes, and it scares me that I will lose those too. Days like today I still get the case of the “it’s not fairs,” and the “it should have been mes,” both of which I stand by, but can’t change. There are no life exchanges or take backs, if there were, I would take them in a heart beat. You were the better person in my eyes. I try to be more like you, more genuinely good hearted, but it can never compare to you. I am who I am, but I continue to strive to be more like you.
I can be so self aware sometimes, and so oblivious others. Normally, I would have noticed if something was wrong, and I didn’t that day. I am SO sorry for that. I don’t know why I thought that you were just sleeping, I would never intentionally hurt you..which YOU know. I wish I could be convinced, really convinced, that your death wasn’t my fault.
Your first year date was the absolute hardest; I had centered everything around it: I couldn’t go near the hospital, or the Starbucks I lost you in; running into your daughter caused me to break into pieces; I couldn’t cope. I lost several friendships over my inability to cope. All of that somehow made me feel proud, that was my way of being loyal to you, by not moving on. After March 5th last year, everything got a little easier and I don’t know why, just part of the healing process I suppose. But if I am “healed,” or am healing, what does that mean for you? Where do you fit, so that I can still keep you here? This year, it barely hit me, I was able to do all of the things that I had avoided for the past two years, and I feel like that is not fair to you.
I have so much to tell you, so much to catch you up on, but most of all I just want to see you again. Once last conversation (not one about if we were hypothetically transgendered individuals. lmao), one about us, and how much your friendship, YOU, meant to me. I want to tell you to your face that I am sorry. I want one of your amazing hugs and to hear your laugh more than anything. I know that this probably sounds selfish, but you never judged me for that. You accepted me for me, even with the crazy. You were someone I could always count on, yet I held back because that is what I do, and we lost time because of that. It is so hard to stop self-sabotaging even after experiencing your loss. I know that I am a better person for knowing you, and I don’t regret our friendship by any means, but I wish this pain would ease. I just wish you were here.