Nothing ever goes according to my plan. Over the years I have learned to accept this, but lately it has been worse. I planned to graduate with a dual degree, but I had to take an incomplete in two of my courses for one of the degrees. I have until march to finish it, but until then, I am living at home and applying for jobs. For me, home=death, complete and utter self-destruction. I have been home for less than two months and said death is seeping in. I feel lost. I love spending time with certain people, but collectively they tend to drag me down. I don’t remember who I am when I am here, I forget to see where it is I am headed when I am here. The job applications have slowed down, I haven’t touched my paper that I need to be working on, and the T.V. has gotten more interesting. I am slowly drowning into hopelessness and I can’t really see the way out.
The mood swings are worse here because I am worse off here. My family does not know about the bipolar because if they did, they would just use it against me as some type of character flaw. I have my reasons for being here in the moment, and they make sense, but all of the “what ifs” start making me rethink everything: What if I become dependent on them?, What if I become too scared to leave?, What if I forget my back-up plan? ….What if I never leave? I am getting discouraged and sad, and March is slowly/not so slowly approaching. March is tough for me.