Lately I have been struggling with understanding what I refer to as “the monster.” A good friend of mine refers to her “monster,” as “the crazy.” Whether you have a monster, a little crazy, a monkey with a drum, or any other name for Bipolar Disorder, it helps to know you are not alone. I don’t have all, or many answers, but some questions that have been being thrown around are: How do you know when to let something go because no one’s perfect or when you’re just closing your eyes and getting abused? and When is it that a person just sucks as opposed to it being the bipolar? The Bipolar is such a part of who I am, I honestly don’t know the difference between the disorder and the parts of me unrelated to the disorder.I like who I am, even with the monster, except for when I push people away, or can’t function. I would hate to function everyday and be a foggy, bland version of myself. Explaining all of this to friends that have unknowingly put up with this shit for the past 8 years, is so difficult. And the last thing I want is for them to think that everything I do is ONLY because of the monster and not because I genuinely feel a certain way about things. The bottom line is, I don’t know the difference, so how can they? I like my promiscuous sex; I like that I can be so hyped up that I am jumping for joy and rambling and even making bad decisions; I like that my friends enjoy my candid, snarky, and morbid humor and stories; I like that I say inappropriate things at inappropriate times. I hate the feeling of being controlled by something that makes me want to jump off of a cliff because no one cares and I can’t take it anymore. I secretly, but not so secretly fear that it will end up killing me when I can’t bring myself out of it….
So what’s a crazy to do?